can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
