I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
