If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
