I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
