Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
