I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
