Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
