when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
