Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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