forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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