I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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