Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
she woke up with a sticky ear
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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