Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize