i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
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He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
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Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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