Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
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