Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My vagina just clenched in fear
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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