life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
