The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
