Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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