I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
