Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
