I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
