The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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