I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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