I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
