not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction