sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.