my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD