Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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