My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
