im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
