I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
