Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
