I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize