Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
