If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
