): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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