I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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