i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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