All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
