There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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