I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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