Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
