I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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