is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
