Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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