you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
