We're facebook friends in real life
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
