I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
