I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
