I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
