I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
