Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
