non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
