her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
