Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
