Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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