I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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