need another drink. this is the easiest way
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
