Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
