If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
if only i could text you this smell
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
